mum doesn’t think depression exists
“it’s a state of mind, of attitude”
the realization that it has been this way
for years –
patterns of behaviour
embedded, and ingrained
the long and lonely nights of
meaningless sex, drunk
and stumbling
from one mistake to the next
the days after with no desire
to remove yourself from your pit
with the curtains shut
and the audience gone,
alone in stained, crumpled sheets
smothered in the stink of sweat
in the pores of clammy skin
which you simply want to shed
questions flock,
and circle
as if they were vultures
in a cycle of
poacher turned gamekeeper
the roulette of solutions
loads every move
with risk –
a phone call, appointment,
social interaction
the overwhelming sense of feeling soaring –
a fever
when you want to shrink from sight
and cut the ties
of people’s expectations
hopelessly scrolling through social media websites
until the battery on your phone
ends with a buzz –
it is constant repetition
the endless fields of time
spent inept
everyone is so successful
and you are here, waiting
trying to compose an ironic
i am depressed tweet
like those popular accounts do
but you just sound pathetic
and understand
no one gives a shit
people will tell you otherwise, of course|
to reach out
to help you try to gain perspective on the distortion of thinking
fed to you by depression
and then when it lifts, for a bit
you work
in a fast food outlet, meet friends
for drinks after, attend open mic nights,
even call your mum each week
as she asks you to
but you don’t
mum doesn’t think
depression exists
“it’s a state of mind, of attitude”
some weeks
to the outsider
it seems as if you are not even trying
what is wrong with you
if only you knew
if only, if only
the hollowed emptiness
feels as if it is something
you walk around with
solely
tasked with trying to fill it
the ebb and flow of life
we are born into
is it that we begin life whole
and over time
we lose pieces of ourselves –
and unable to renew,
not taught how
we
are robbed.
Kate writes with her own brand of poetic insights, based loosely on the subjects of belonging, loss, mental illness, and hope. You can read more snippets of her writing on her blog or in her book Here Comes the Sun.
https://katespoeticinsights.co.uk/
Twitter/Instagram: k_lpoetry