SELF-TAPE PHOBIA
A Ten-Minute Play
[LIGHTS UP on a small city apartment, very
lightly furnished. A small sofa rests center stage. LANA’S humble abode has the ambiance of the residency of a struggling actor. Upstage right, there is a lamp next to a small desk littered with papers, probably old sides. Random posters are scattered across the wall of her apartment. Upstage left, we see LANA’S slightly disassembled self-tape setup. There is a 5x7,medium-blue photography backdrop being held up by metal stands. A ring light with an adjustable stand rests in front of the backdrop on the shortest setting. A camera on a tripod is placed upstage from the backdrop. LANA lies centerstage on the sofa as she converses on her cell phone.]
LANA
Yeah! Yeah, that workshop was amazing. Mhm…I feel like I’ve been dealing with some self-tape phobia tripping me up but— I know right, she broke it down perfectly! That’s gotta be why I haven’t booked in a while. (She pauses, listening on the line) Oh no, girl, you’re fine. Good luck at your audition! Ok,...yeah call me later. Bye!
LANA hangs up the phone and sits up.
LANA
(Under her breath) At least someone’s getting auditions.
[A beat. She turns and looks at her ‘setup’ for a second, then quickly turns away like she’s scared to even look at it.]
LANA
(To herself) No, Lana don’t do that. Besides, after all the tips I got from miss legendary ACTING COACH today, I’m basically guaranteed to be booked and busy soon.
[ACTING COACH enters stage left. She is dressed conservatively in business casual. She has a strict sort of demeanor. ACTING COACH holds a clipboard and pencil
as she tensely walks toward the sofa and stands next to its left arm, facing the audience.]
LANA
Let’s see what these people are talking about today.
[LANA scrolls on her phone, in big gestures, so the audience can see. ACTING COACH reads aloud the casting descriptions LANA finds online. The casting calls are read in a dry, almost robotic voice.]
ACTING COACH
Casting call! Sara is a female in her late teens to early twenties. She struggles to find herself through prostitution. Must be open to nudity, must have a cup size of at least DD.
LANA
Um, ok. (LANA scrolls)
ACTING COACH
Casting call! Female. Late teens to early twenties. Ramona goes by ‘R’. She’s a spunky horror fanatic who gets wrapped up in a murder investigation in her town. The recently departed is her ex-best friend, whom the whole town thinks R was out to get.
LANA
Ooooh, I like this one.
ACTING COACH
R is tomboyish and unconventionally hot, unlike the school’s basic Queen B, Britney.
LANA
Interestingggg…
ACTING COACH
And R is so hot, it’s hard to believe she’s the brains behind her own investigation—
LANA
Next! (She scrolls)
ACTING COACH
Female. Late teens, early twenties. Caucasian— (LANA scrolls) Caucasian female. (LANA scrolls) Caucasian female. (LANA scrolls) Caucasian female (LANA scrolls) Caucasian fe— (LANA scrolls)
LANA
Dayummm!
ACTING COACH
Casting call! Female, late teens to early twenties. African-American—
LANA
Finally!
ACTING COACH
Must appear mixed-race.
LANA
Fuck off! (LANA scrolls)
ACTING COACH
Casting call! Female, African-American in her late teens, early twenties. Shante is aggressive, sassy, loud-mouthed, low-income–
LANA
Mmm, I hope a white man didn’t write all that. (LANA scrolls) Maybe today is just not the day.
ACTING COACH
Casting call. Female in her twenties. African-American. B23 Studios.
LANA
(LANA suddenly sits up.) B23 doing an open call? No way…
ACTING COACH & LANA
Rina is the jazz singer that captured the world, but it came at a cost. The trials of fame overwhelm Rina, and the starlet’s reputation edges on destroying her career. When publicist Tommy is brought in to save the starlet from ruin, he doesn’t suspect there’s more to Rina than meets the eye.
LANA
(A beat) I love it. It’s…perfect.
ACTING COACH
We are taking submissions via self-tape only. Sides will cost $0.99 to view. File should be no bigger than 100MB and submitted via a dropbox link.
LANA
Shit. Self-tape only? It’s fine. I did the workshop. I’ve got this! I’ve just gotta remember what the ACTING COACH said.
ACTING COACH sits next to LANA on the sofa. LANA doesn’t acknowledge her as if she can’t see her.
ACTING COACH
(To LANA) You’ve got to think like an actor, and like a CASTING DIRECTOR. And Lana…
[LANA slowly looks toward ACTING COACH, but she isn’t shocked. Rather, ACTING COACH is like a voice in her head]
ACTING COACH
This CASTING DIRECTOR is well-known. Think about how many tapes he watches day after day. This audition has to be close to perfect, and the first step is getting in his head.
[CASTING DIRECTOR enters from stage right
with a laptop in hand. He’s got an arrogant, yet sarcastic air about him. CASTING DIRECTOR is extremely underdressed and goes to stand by the right arm of the sofa. He’s loudly typing on his laptop with one hand. His head is
leaning on his right shoulder, tightly holding the phone he’s yelling into. LANA and ACTING COACH stare at him.]
CASTING DIRECTOR
(Groans) Ugh,(Speaking quickly) I’ve got to watch all these self-tapes. Why can’t they just send someone over? GOD! I hate when they do this to me. We need to look for new talent my ass. We? Who is we? I always end up doing the brunt of the looking. We? I’m so sick of this it’s so early WHERE IS MY LATTE THERE’S GOT TO BE SOMEONE WHO WAS READY FOR WORK THIS MORNING OTHER THAN ME— (Continues rambling)
LANA
(to ACTING COACH) I don’t wanna think like him…he seems miserable as shit.
ACTING COACH
Well, get over it you have to. Now fix your setup how I taught you.
LANA
(Unsure) Okay. (LANA doesn’t move)
[ACTING COACH picks up a WHISTLE off of her clipboard and blows it. LANA struggles to move the sofa upstage left, because ACTING COACH remains seated on it. LANA rushes upstage and begins grabbing her background, camera, and ring light. LANA moves each item downstage center one at a time fixing her setup hurriedly.]
CASTING DIRECTOR
Can’t you see I’m on the—
ACTING COACH blows WHISTLE.
LANA
I’m going…dayum!
[Finally, LANA finishes moving her camera set up. She presses record on the camera and moves downstage of the background to begin the monologue.]
LANA
(She braces herself) Why can’t you just give me one more chance—
ACTING COACH
I took the liberty of writing down the lines from the sides and putting some beats on there for you since you were clearly too amateur to do it on your own.
[ACTING COACH hands LANA a paper from her
clipboard]
LANA
(Taking the paper) Right…thanks. (She briefly reads and then discards it.)
LANA
(A beat)Why can’t you just give me one chance Tommy? I—
CASTING DIRECTOR
Okay, I’m just gonna say it. This background is God-awful. (ACTING COACH nods in agreement)
LANA
(to CASTING DIRECTOR) What? What do you mean—
CASTING DIRECTOR
Are you serious with this shade of light blue? I mean, dark blue is way more flattering.
LANA
Oh.
ACTING COACH
And this lighting…
CASTING DIRECTOR
Right… (LANA glances between them)
ACTING COACH
So many shadows—
CASTING DIRECTOR
Sooo many. Here sweetie. You wanna be a professional? You need a professional light, something like this. (CASTING DIRECTOR turns his laptop toward LANA)
LANA
Hello? That’s three-hundred dollars!
ACTING COACH
Great price if you ask me.
LANA
Have you seen my apartment? I don’t have three hundred extra.
CASTING DIRECTOR
Yeah, uhh we can see that.
(LANA gives CASTING DIRECTOR a look.)
LANA
(Nervously) Okay. Well…hopefully my acting will shine through a few shadows.
CASTING DIRECTOR
(Laughs)
LANA
What? You only saw me do two lines just give me a—
ACTING COACH
Just go again, Lana.
LANA
(Deep breath) Okay. (A beat) Why can’t you just—
ACTING COACH
Have you checked your framing?
ACTING COACH walks over to the camera.
LANA
(Groans)
ACTING COACH
Okay, we need to see more over your head. Step back. (LANA steps back) Too far, now forward. (LANA takes one step forward) No, no, no— (LANA takes a tiny step back) Right. Mmm okay now… (LANA takes a small step back) Well—
LANA
(Shouting) Can I just do the monologue, please?
ACTING COACH
(Steps back to stage right of background)
LANA
(Going again) Why can’t you just—
CASTING DIRECTOR
Do you think it could be more…urban?
LANA
Excuse me?
ACTING COACH
Yes, people want actors like, you know, like you to have a certain…attitude.
LANA
(A beat) Look, how I speak is how I speak. I’m black regardless of how—
CASTING DIRECTOR
Let me be straight with you sweetie because it seems like you think your opinion matters.
[CASTING DIRECTOR pauses, looking at his laptop, then looks back at LANA.]
I’ve got about two-hundred submissions in already, and this posting has been up for four hours. Tops. Realistically there could be thousands by the end of this. And we’ll end up picking a union, seasoned actor signed with a major agency anyway. We want to see who can get the job done the fastest and make us the most money. That’s it. And when I see a dark blue background I think, there’s an actor who can do what they're told and make me money. You think we’re sitting here to see your art? We’re not. You think we give a rat’s ass about your authenticity? We don’t. You think you matter? You don’t.
LANA
I don’t wanna do this anymore.
[LANA turns off the camera. She goes and lies on the sofa upstage right.]
ACTING COACH
(To CASTING DIRECTOR) C’mon.
CASTING DIRECTOR
Someone had to tell her.
[ACTING COACH goes to sit next to LANA on the couch.]
LANA
Why am I even doing this? What’s the point?
ACTING COACH
If you’re looking for a point, you’re in the wrong business. (Chuckles)
LANA
Business. Business. Business. Is that all it was? The whole time? Just…numbers.
ACTING COACH
Well…is that what it is to you?
LANA
No. I don’t know. I’d like to think I’m making something beautiful, saying something. Making art.
ACTING COACH
Well, if you wanna make art I’m not stopping you.
LANA
Yeah. You’re not. (Realizing) Yeah! I just want to tell stories. And you know what? If someone wants to reject me because of how I look or… my background…or some equipment…or worse— because of a stereotype that was created for me, something I had no say in, then…then I don’t wanna work with them anyway. They don’t have any power over how I feel about what I love, or how I feel about myself. And you don’t either.
ACTING COACH
Good. (Blows WHISTLE) Get to it then!
[LANA goes back centerstage and presses record on the camera, ready to perform. ACTING COACH and CASTING DIRECTOR look on with curiosity]
LANA
Why can’t you just give me one more chance? I know what the magazines and podcasts and headlines all have to say, but what about me? You can’t even hear me behind all that damn noise. And you know what, if you still wanna quit on me come tomorrow, fine, but tonight you’re gonna listen. Someone in this stupid fucking city is gonna listen to me for once. You get me another press conference, and do your job because you work for me. Not the other way around. And no one gets to put words in my mouth. No one gets to tell me who I am. I know there’s not a lot of truth left in this world, but I’m gonna show them the truth they’re looking for whether they like it or not.
ACTING COACH
Wow, I really believed you.
CASTING DIRECTOR
Hmph. Not bad.
[LANA stops the recording. CASTING DIRECTOR and ACTING COACH move the camera, background, and ring light upstage right. LANA moves the sofa back centerstage]
CASTING DIRECTOR
CASTING DIRECTOR hands LANA his laptop.
Already synced the video to my laptop.
LANA
Thank you. Thank you both.
ACTING COACH
Don’t thank us yet.
[LANA types on the laptop. CASTING DIRECTOR answers a phone call and exits stage left. ACTING COACH sits next to LANA on the sofa]
LANA
Okay, I did it!
ACTING COACH
(Glances at the computer) Lana! Lana, the file is too big!
LANA
No! No, I swore!
CASTING DIRECTOR
(Offstage) Ugh, I haaate actors who can’t follow instructions.
LANA sits in disbelief for a while.
LANA
(Screams)
[ACTING COACH exits stage right as LANA is still screaming]
LANA
I.Fucking. Quit!
[LANA begins smashing apart every piece of her self-tape setup. By the time her meltdown is done, the whole apartment is in a state of disarray except for the sofa resting center stage]
LANA
(Lying back down on the sofa) Whatever.
[LANA takes out her phone and begins scrolling. ACTING COACH enters, as robotic and tense as before. She stands stage right of the sofa, facing the audience]
ACTING COACH
Casting call!
[BLACKOUT]
Morgan Crumbly (she/her) is an actor, playwright, and singer based in Atlanta, GA. Crumbly recently graduated from Spelman College with a degree in Theater & Performance. Her college experiences steeped in the struggles of a young Black female artist inspired the ten-minute comedy and her first published play, “Self-Tape Phobia.”