A Public Service Announcement
Please remember that it is against the law to smoke within ten feet of an entrance, exit, accessibility ramp, window that opens, and/or air intake vent. Please understand that this law is not in effect to protect you from the negative consequences of puffing away on your cancer sticks. We could really not give a shit over what method you choose to use to hasten your inevitable march towards death. Nor is this in anyway meant to protect your fellow hyper-intelligent primates from the so-called dangers of inhaling secondhand smoke. Despite all of their pointed fake coughing, we find such worries well beneath the real concerns of the government.
These laws are in place to protect against gnome attacks. Yes, that’s right. Gnome attacks. Did you know that gnome attacks are the 1,171,195th leading cause of death in the United States and that on average one person dies of gnome attacks every 11.62 years? While most of us prefer to imagine gnomes as those whimsical pointy hatted figurines lovingly placed in our grandmama’s garden, in truth gnomes are red hatted bearded thugs who are willing to kill with little to no provocation. Thirsting for blood, gangs of gnomes run rampant throughout our cities, hunting for the unwary, waiting for the stupid to let their guard down. Do you know how many injuries are caused by gnomes? Zero. Gnomes are not playing. They are not interested in your valuables. No, gnomes are just interested in defecating on your corpse.
Smoking laws are in place to help keep the public spaces where we are at our most vulnerable safe from the gnome scourge. Gnomes are well known heavy smokers, never being far from their menacingly long pipes filled to the brim with a wide assortment of flavored tobaccos. Is that rich aroma the smell of Jan from accounting’s smooth filterless Virginia Slim, or is it the pungent burning odor of dried dandelions and human hair emanating from a vile gnome calabash pipe with meerschaum bowl? There is no way to tell. Why take such a horrible risk? These laws are in place to protect you.
Remember, if you see a gnome, don’t bother reporting it, because you’re already dead.
S.W. Campbell was born in Eastern Oregon. He currently resides in Portland where he works as an economist and lives with a house plant named Morton. This is his 29th short piece to be published. If you’d like to read more of his writing, check out his website: www.shawnwcampbell.com