Object Permanence

Last night driving up Linda Street my kid asked

Do you remember when we played with Drake in that playground?

The sand playground? I do remember. Do you?

I remember. You have that picture
Of our shoes together. How did Drake die?

Oh sweetie, I’m not ready to tell you about that.
I’m still too sad.

I’ll help you not be sad, she said. You can tell me.

You help me every day being less sad. But I’m not ready
To tell you.

Ok but sometime soon. It has to be soon.

I’ll try, love. Ok. I’ll try to be ready to tell you soon.

This morning she crawls into bed with her little-kid radio
listening to the My Neighbor Totoro soundtrack. Letting me
read my book. Occasionally narrating
exactly where in the movie this song plays. Here the snail climbs up the grass.
She says, This part is like a dream. Her cupped fingers
keep stroking my collarbone. She asks for definitions
every day. What’s ensconced. What’s indecisive.
If it’s something she can touch
or imagine touching, from a picture—
a capybara, selenium, small-leaf spiderwort.
She only needs to hear it once; next time
she sees one, she will shout its given name.

I have protected her from the word suicide.
Something changes forever
the first time you can imagine
despair heavier on the palm
than a body can lift, or the rushing
of that same body
to meet water far below.

Sun needs to get into peoples’ mouths,
she says. It helps you to grow.
I’m making altars for creation myths.

For her, the opening sky
means only water the life-giver.
Nothing that could break you
no matter the height of the fall.

We will sing, she tells me
But not out of our mouths.

Clare Bayard is a nerdy queer writer, parent, and organizer who has been working for decades to build up multiracial grassroots movements that can midwife a democratic and sustainable future. Clare is dedicated to the liberation of Palestine and the end of U.S. empire. Clare's writing on demilitarization and racial justice has appeared in outlets including the Guardian UK, Common Dreams, and Counterpunch.