Sex Education for (Nice Enough) Girls
First Semester Syllabus
Week 1: Act like you don’t want it. If you want it, you’re a slut.
Week 2: If you flirt, you're a slut.
Week 3: Don’t like doing it too much or you’re a slut. Be like Queen Victoria “lie back and think of England.”
Week 4: Say “yes” sometimes even when you don’t want it. If you say “no” too often, you’re a prude. Letting someone else use your body like a Fleshlight isn’t a big deal.
Week 5: Never be the girl that needs a condom. If you are, then you’re a trashy slut. Always be the girl that has a condom. Then you’re just a regular slut. Week 6: Sluts give blowjobs. Dirty sluts let boys reciprocate.
Week 7: If you smile too much or your boobs are too big. you're a slut.
Week 8: If your lipstick is too dark or your hair is too nice, you’re a slut.
Week 9: If you use a tampon, you’re a slut.
Week 10: If you get a bikini wax, you're a slut.
Week 11: If you masturbate, you're the worst kind of slut.
Midterm Exam: Gag a little to show him just how big he is.
Week 12: Never go on the pill. That makes you a slut.
Week 13: Never get pregnant. That makes you a dirty slut.
Week 14: Never, never get an abortion. That makes you a whore.
Week 15: Don’t sleep with someone else’s boyfriend. That makes you a skank.
Your Final Exam: If you cheat then you're just a cum dumpster.
For Extra Credit: Only have anal. Then you’re still a virgin.
Girl Math
Using your Girl Math Reference Tables™, Please Answer the Following Questions in One Lifetime or Less:
Relationships
Our best scientists have determined that bad relationships cause aging at a rate of 1.2 years for every twelve months. If Jane says, “I spent the better part of 20 years with him because I thought I could fix him. Apparently that was a mistake,” find the correct amount of time Jane should keep trying to fix a guy over a 20 year relationship.
Dating
Before accepting an invitation to go out, please calculate the following:
The amount of alcohol you can drink that is socially acceptable but doesn’t invite danger
(Blood Alcohol Level=alcohol consumed in grams(body weight in grams.55) 100)
If the invitation is for a dinner date, also include the cost of a meal that
a) won’t incur pressure to put out (see your reference tables for internalized expectations coefficient and ungrateful bitch coefficient).
b) will express to your date “I would like to fool around but I will not go all the way."
c) if you might want to fool around, what to order that says the following:Lim -> x=desire to drink/desire to avoid unwanted sex
Limit as x approaches the desire to drink or to avoid unwanted sex
Sex
Determine the range of sex partners from prude to slut and the mean number of sex partners it is appropriate to have in order to avoid being called a prude or a slut,
(Just kidding. You’re still going to be called both of these things. Possibly by the same person. c.f. Heisenberg’s Sexual Uncertainty Principle)
Use the following formula to calculate the Consent Coefficient
(Alcohol+Cost of Meal+How Long You've Known a Person x Self-Defense Training)
(Cost of a taxi x Deviation of the Neckline from the Clavicular Meridian in millimeters)
Remember to multiply the denominator by zero, because recognition of consent is always undefined.
Mona is in bed with Randy for the second time. Express as a ratio, the probability of retaliation if Mona says, "thanks but it's not working" vs faking it? Then, using your protractor, calculate how protracted this experience will feel for Mona.
Customer Service
Factor the Help Coefficient to determine while shopping, that is, the degree of assistance you can ask for that gets an answer but does not imply helplessness or invite unwanted intervention. The table for triangulating body mass index by pretty privilege is on page 72 of your Girl Math Reference Tables, right above the table for throwing your hands in the air in frustration.
Sally needs to take her car to have the brakes looked at. Using your Special Girl Tools find the Angle of Condescension between her actual knowledge and what the salesman assumes she knows
Existing in Public
Using crowd density and brightness, determine how far away you can safely park in case you have to walk alone.
(Brightness= luminosity 4d2)
Find the amount of force needed to beat off your attacker to enable you to run to a well-lit well-trafficked space, so that you don’t have to beat off your attacker.
Elevator math: How much space between you and strangers in an enclosed box such as an elevator or subway car to avoid unwanted touching/groping?
Distance=√((x2 – x1)2 + (y2 – y1)2)
Distance=√((pelvis person 2 – pelvis person 1)2 + (arms’s reach person 2 – arm’s reach person 1 )2)
How much travel time can you safely allow with one or more strangers before “I’ll wait for the next one” is the solution? (This formula can also be applied to subway cars and other forms of public transit.)
Travel Time=Distance/speed
After each time you receive a hug from the guy who propositioned you while his stroke-patient-wife was in the adjacent bed, what is the interval until feelings of relief and safety return…because at least he didn’t go any further this time? Use values of a brief hug equals an affectionate-touch-coefficient of 7. (My personal threshold for screaming and punching the guy in his stupid face is an 8. That is equivalent to brushing a strand of my hair out of my face or hugging for longer than 1.75 seconds.)
Have you answered every question?
Check your work before you move on.
A miscalculation could cost you your life.
The Short Answer Questions:
How many people should be in a supermarket checkout line to ensure that it will be the one that balances efficiency with the number of times you are instructed to “smile more”?
no
How many days in a row can you serve a coffee to the same customer before he figures you’re already practically dating?
No
At what volume, in decibels, must you stop ignoring catcalls without inviting escalation to further harassment or even violence from a man?
NO
How forceful must your “no” be to end unwanted requests for dates or sex or whatever else while still remaining safe from violence?
NO
How many times can you use the phrase “Girl Math” before you realize that there is no quantity of mani pedi time or bubble baths with scented candles or bottles of wine with girlfriends that you pay for on your credit card because you can’t even afford them on top of your rent that will fix things, and you finally admit that the so-called man-hating radical lesbian feminazi dykes have a point about destruction and it’s the system that needs to be recalibrated? And where the fuck do I sign up?
Erika Grumet is a middle aged, queer, gender apathetic, Jewish, redundantly-disabled writer exiled from her beloved New York to the part of Florida known for homo- and trans- phobia and talking rodents. She is also co-founder, managing editor, webmaster, columnist and volunteer psychotherapist at the writing school/literary magazine/adult orphanage, 2 Rules of Writing. In addition to 2 Rules of Writing, you can find her work in Lilith Magazine, Bi+ Women’s Quarterly, and at Kveller.com.