Deirdre Coyle

Mall Goth Movie Rewrites

 

APOCALYPSE NOW (1979)

marlon brando and martin sheen gaze into the abyss
the abyss gazes back
it’s love at first sight

 

THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985)

ally sheedy is the priestess of a cult
she convinces everyone in saturday detention to join
they sacrifice the principal
nobody makes out

 

CASABLANCA (1942)

humphrey bogart is goth, no changes

 

CITIZEN KANE (1941)

rosebud is actually a bat

 

FIGHT CLUB (1999)

ed norton meets marla singer
she’s like “I’m more goth than you”
they never speak again

 

HARRY POTTER (2001-2011) (in 1 movie)

voldemort is like “I’m going to kill you, Potter”
harry is like “omg please this should not take eight movies”

 

THE HUNGER GAMES (2012-2015) (in 1 movie)

jennifer lawrence goes to the hunger games
she lies down in middle of cornucopia
the guy with stupid hair kills her

 

IT’S A WONDERFUL LIFE (1946)

george contemplates suicide
a hot demon shows up
george is like “sup”
the demon and george go to hell for adventures
mary becomes a successful librarian

 

LABYRINTH (1986)

david bowie is like “come be my queen”
jennifer connolly is like “fuck yeah”

 

THE MALTESE FALCON (1941)

humphrey bogart is goth, no changes

 

METROPOLIS (1927)

a hot robot silently dances in a goth club for two hours

 

PRETTY WOMAN (1990)

rodeo drive shopgirls won’t let julia roberts shop
julia roberts goes to hot topic

 

THE PRINCESS BRIDE (1987)

westley and buttercup are reunited
buttercup joins the dread pirate roberts’ crew
they sail into the sunset wearing cool masks

 

RISKY BUSINESS (1983)

tom cruise gets ripped off by lana
he writes a poem about it while crying

 

SIXTEEN CANDLES (1984)

molly ringwald’s fam forgets her birthday
she burns the house down

 

THE TREASURE OF THE SIERRA MADRE (1948)

humphrey bogart is goth, no changes

 

THE USUAL SUSPECTS (1995)

keyser soze is bela lugosi

 

THE WIZARD OF OZ (1939)

dorothy’s house lands on the wicked witch of the east
the wicked witch rises from the dead cuz she’s a vampire
she sucks dorothy’s blood!
dorothy becomes a vampire
dorothy and the wicked witch fall in love
there are no vampire babies 

 


Deirdre Coyle is a “writer,” fashion librarian, and non-practicing mermaid living in Brooklyn. She likes talking about literature and punk rock on twitter @DeirdreKoala.