Mall Goth Movie Rewrites
APOCALYPSE NOW (1979)
marlon brando and martin sheen gaze into the abyss
the abyss gazes back
it’s love at first sight
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985)
ally sheedy is the priestess of a cult
she convinces everyone in saturday detention to join
they sacrifice the principal
nobody makes out
CASABLANCA (1942)
humphrey bogart is goth, no changes
CITIZEN KANE (1941)
rosebud is actually a bat
FIGHT CLUB (1999)
ed norton meets marla singer
she’s like “I’m more goth than you”
they never speak again
HARRY POTTER (2001-2011) (in 1 movie)
voldemort is like “I’m going to kill you, Potter”
harry is like “omg please this should not take eight movies”
THE HUNGER GAMES (2012-2015) (in 1 movie)
jennifer lawrence goes to the hunger games
she lies down in middle of cornucopia
the guy with stupid hair kills her
IT’S A WONDERFUL LIFE (1946)
george contemplates suicide
a hot demon shows up
george is like “sup”
the demon and george go to hell for adventures
mary becomes a successful librarian
LABYRINTH (1986)
david bowie is like “come be my queen”
jennifer connolly is like “fuck yeah”
THE MALTESE FALCON (1941)
humphrey bogart is goth, no changes
METROPOLIS (1927)
a hot robot silently dances in a goth club for two hours
PRETTY WOMAN (1990)
rodeo drive shopgirls won’t let julia roberts shop
julia roberts goes to hot topic
THE PRINCESS BRIDE (1987)
westley and buttercup are reunited
buttercup joins the dread pirate roberts’ crew
they sail into the sunset wearing cool masks
RISKY BUSINESS (1983)
tom cruise gets ripped off by lana
he writes a poem about it while crying
SIXTEEN CANDLES (1984)
molly ringwald’s fam forgets her birthday
she burns the house down
THE TREASURE OF THE SIERRA MADRE (1948)
humphrey bogart is goth, no changes
THE USUAL SUSPECTS (1995)
keyser soze is bela lugosi
THE WIZARD OF OZ (1939)
dorothy’s house lands on the wicked witch of the east
the wicked witch rises from the dead cuz she’s a vampire
she sucks dorothy’s blood!
dorothy becomes a vampire
dorothy and the wicked witch fall in love
there are no vampire babies
Deirdre Coyle is a “writer,” fashion librarian, and non-practicing mermaid living in Brooklyn. She likes talking about literature and punk rock on twitter @DeirdreKoala.