imaginary friend/black girl imagines a lover to cope with living in america
while listening to “my heart flutters when i see you/lofi hip hop mix” by 130mood
my denim looks cool with your denim/your jean pants cuffed up my jean jacket with the bts dynamite inspired bunny design on the back/a little funk and soul to keep the kids from falling asleep without dreams/i’m in the mood for cream soda and french fries but our world’s trembling and shuddered/it’s been smoking for a while but they played it off as a fluke/now our world’s shut down and covered in hazard signs/so i can’t take you out anywhere but i can take you to rite aids for some junk food?/all i really need is your hand wrapped in mine/your hand wrapped around mine that means you must be real/right?/if i pretend hard enough i won’t be afraid of living:
i hold you tight when i’m putting cheese on top of my scrambled eggs when there’s nothing else in the fridge/while i’m job-searching on indeed and waiting weeks to hear back/sometimes even after i’ve spent/hours talking to friends on zoom or discord/when i feel cold in bed/staring through your eyes finding nothing but my own self moonlighting my pains in this make-believe scenario where we lay together and i’m not alone/but i hold you tightest when i’m going to stores at night/if i act like i’m talking to someone on the phone i’m less likely to be approached/i just want to get my s’mores ice cream and cheap nail polish and go/it’s even better when i bring you with me though i can’t talk to you in public because the illusion will find us being watched
outside rite aids teenagers sit against the walls/the scent of bitter plants surrounding their bodies like a force field/but even magic wands can’t wipe the sounds of police sirens in the distance/we all flinch/we’re not allowed to sit outside we’re not allowed to be outside after dark we’re not allowed to enjoy daylight/we’re not allowed to look further than this moment and even that’s not a promise/sometimes i can’t even imagine the future/sometimes i’m just trying to keep my body from disappearing/yeah the stars would be the only witnesses if something went wrong including us because we’re just as liable to disappear as anyone else with skin like ours/the only difference between us is that you’re actually not real and everyone’s pretending that i’m not real
i don’t think about how we’re all so used to death black/fathers sisters brothers mothers twitterized yet again for better and for worse/(then they’re real/right?)/center city’s been trembling for a minute now/tomorrow’s building a forest fire and we don’t know who will escape or if we should be escaping/back inside/i hold your hand while we watch the news/the nation’s enraged and faltering like a meme that’s too true to be funny/the uproar will be televised until it’s not entertaining/but my life will still be here and rage will still be here and after the shit i’ve seen on capitol hill i hope that something actually comes from the ashes this time/
until tomorrow there’s nothing to keep me company/so please/let me pretend that you exist for a little while longer so i can sleep
Dynas Johnson was the vice president and an editor for SONKU, a university-founded organization for BIPOC creatives. She has poems in Vagabond City Lit, Sea Foam Mag, Memoir Mixtapes, Mixed Mag, The Aurora Journal, and others. Right now she’s very into indie, funk, and watching craft videos on Youtube. Find her at https://dynasjohnson.wixsite.com/dynasthepoet or on Twitter @Dynasthepoet.