eating disorder redux
i am 12 years old and my best friend invites
me over for dinner. her mother cooks us spaghetti, my
favorite, and my mouth is salivating as soon as we sit down.
my friend scoops up a small amount and i watch her, intently,
as she places exactly one piece of bread and a much bigger
serving of steamed broccoli on her plate. i have not eaten
since lunch and i could have devoured everything that was on
the table. instead i match her portions exactly and scarf mine
down in record time. i wait for her to finish so i can take
seconds, but she slowly finishes her first plate and then proclaims
to be “so full.” i go to sleep dreaming of giant meatballs and
buckets of garlic bread.
i am 18 years old and i can’t remember the last time i had a
proper meal. i live off of of diet coke, iced coffee, and rice cakes
with hot sauce. i never sleep but i feel strong and my mind is clear.
a voice deep inside is telling me to eat but i tell them to shove it,
and ignore the tantalizing smells all around me. it is a common
misconception that people with eating disorders hate food. i’m
obsessed with food. if i am the rabbit from Alice in Wonderland,
then food is being late. i wish i could stop the internal calculator
inside my head but it’s got a mind all of its own. i’ve tried turning it
off and taking out the batteries, but somehow, it still always works.
i am 24 years old and driving to my boyfriend’s apartment. i promised
to pick up dinner on my way home from work, so i stop at the
grocery store. i grab a pepperoni pizza from the take and bake
section and for good measure i grab a sandwich. i park outside his
his place and stuff my face with it so i can have exactly 2 slices
of the pizza then exclaim that i’m full. i’ve learned to never be hungry
in front of others.
i am 8 years old and my grandmother gives me a Little Debbie swiss
roll, my favorite dessert. she always has it on hand just for me. i want
another, i always want another, but my parents say no. maybe this is why
i can’t buy them anymore. no one is there to tell me stop, so i eat them until
i’ve finished the whole box.
i am 21 years old and hunched over the side of the toilet. i
told myself i was going to stop after this one, last binge. the
problem with starving yourself is that once you stop you
become insatiable. pizza, crackers, ice cream and chips.
the food has to go somewhere, it can’t all fit inside me no
matter how hard i try to fill in all the empty spaces.
i am 15 years old and my two best friends in the world
are the ideal: short and petite. not only am i tall for a girl,
but i never got rid of the baby fat everyone assured me
i would outgrow. i am a monster standing next to perfectly
proportioned Barbie dolls. the thing that pretty little girls are
afraid of becoming. when we would get ready together, i would
spend the time staring longingly at their slender thighs and flat
tummies believing more than anything that this, must be
what happiness looks like. and i‘ve been chasing that ever since.
Hannah Norris is a 26 year old PNW native who holds a BA in Music Production. She spends her time performing in the comedy group she co-founded, Cracks Fics Live, writing, and rewatching The Office. She has been featured in the volume 7 from Water Soup Press and twice on the online lit mag Words Dance.