During a panic attack, the heritage speaker realizes he is only ever anxious in English
hell sours the blood and forgets before I remember the word Angst but not the feeling is one am run nerve surge becoming fluent you reach a point where you can hurt yourself pressure a fist compacting limbs when Moe was learning Portuguese she put sticky notes on objects in her parents’ house I should have specialized in the concrete to write Einsamkeit is to review vocabulary sometimes I get stuck on a flashcard frozen in its field spellcheck suggests easement I count breaths in German to prove there are other worlds outside disaster either my deck has only one card or each card is the same Moe suggests a cold shower the next time I need a language I cannot panic the trick is to outrun your flashcards fall asleep unclasp these embers I am falling asleep now let them fall
Lucas Wildner lives in Seattle, where he is repairing his relationships to English and German. Forthcoming and recent work can be found at Pidgeonholes Magazine, Homology Lit, Nice Cage, and elsewhere. On Twitter, sadly: @wucas_lildner.