More Mall Goth Movie Rewrites
ALICE IN WONDERLAND (1951)
alice falls down the rabbit hole
some post-hardcore bands are playing
so underground
AMERICAN BEAUTY (1999)
a dad smokes pot and dies
pretty goth I guess
CINDERELLA (1950)
this servant girl is like, “fuck you, mom”
a cool witch gives her slippers
the servant girl sells them for startup capital
she invests in bangin lingerie and headshots
she becomes a successful fetish model
THE DARK KNIGHT (2008)
it’s called “the dark knight”
what do you want from me
GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY (2014)
zoe saldana is a hot goth alien
she saves the galaxy
without help from any goddamn conformists
INCEPTION (2010)
leo goes into a dream state
he goes deeper
and deeper
some post-hardcore bands are playing
so underground
INSIDE OUT (2015)
a cute personification of sadness takes over a girl’s brain
the girl becomes a famous poet
JURASSIC PARK (1993)
some t. rexes take over a park
they form dinosaur jr.
it’s totally fuckin metal
THE LORD OF THE RINGS (2001-2003) (in 1 movie)
a dark lord takes over some kingdoms
THE MANY ADVENTURES OF WINNIE THE POOH (1977)
a depressive donkey sits by the river
annoying animals try to talk to him
the donkey sings morrissey songs til they leave
MEAN GIRLS (2004)
lizzy caplan decides against befriending a redhead
MY FAIR LADY (1964)
a rich asshole wants to teach this goth chick to fit in
she steals his silverware and goes back to covent garden
PETER PAN (1953)
tiger lily is goth
the mermaids are seapunk
they team up and take over
neverland becomes a seapunk matriarchy
THE PHILADELPHIA STORY (1940)
cary grant punches his wife and goes to prison
vengeance is goth
THE PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN (2003-2011) (in 1 movie)
the sea witch calypso is a badass babe
there are no other characters
SHE’S ALL THAT (1999)
a jock dude gets a goth makeover
he still sucks
SLEEPING BEAUTY (1959)
maleficent becomes a dragon
nobody cares what the prince and princess do
YELLOW SUBMARINE (1968)
ringo is goth, no changes
Deirdre Coyle is a “writer,” fashion librarian, and non-practicing mermaid living in Brooklyn. She likes talking about literature and punk rock on twitter @DeirdreKoala.