Finding a Voice I'm Not Sure is Mine

So often, as a child, I’d opened my mouth and someone else
spoke for me. Or the words weren’t mine but carefully chosen
so I could avoid later punishment or the humiliation
of being contradicted with lies. It was easier to remain silent.

I grew and moved away. I almost had to learn to speak,
to feel my own words in my mouth, hear my own voice.
The poem came out in German, not my mother tongue,
a reflection of how foreign it was to speak naturally.

The daunting ability to say anything I wanted. I remembered
visiting Germany where a different language was no longer a barrier,
I could talk and be understood without being laughed at,
without fear. Being prevented from speaking is a violence.

I had to leave the place I grew up in. To own my story,
I sought refuge in a strange city. I had to unlearn muteness,
discover words horded in an internal dictionary, lose
the fear of mispronunciation, the habit of self-censorship.

Emma Lee’s publications include The Significance of a Dress (Arachne, 2020) and Ghosts in the Desert (IDP, 2015). She co-edited Over Land, Over Sea, (Five Leaves, 2015), was Reviews Editor for The Blue Nib, reviews for magazines and blogs at http://emmalee1.wordpress.com. FB: https://www.facebook.com/EmmaLee1. Twitter @Emma_Lee1.